I don’t know how we are all function sometimes. How we are all living. Like, fuck, life is so confusing. Emotions are confusing. Feelings, people, time, circumstances…
No matter how hard you try to be someone or do something, because you think you should, struggle and pain emerges.
It’s inevitable.
I have so much. I am healthy. I am educated. I can test well, grade well, I can think for myself. I am “smart”..
My mother and father are both spiritual awareness teachers. My whole life I have been aware of certain teachings. I know nearly every eastern philosophy, a wide variety of famous philosophers and religions.
I’m starting to think I am overly educated. I know so much.
And yet, with the family I have, the home we live in, the safe country I am blessed to be a part of, the body I was given, the opportunity to share and document my life with so many…
I have so fucking much. And I am sorry. I am so so sorry that I am so privileged.
But guess what, no amount of money, social media “fame”, physically beauty or amount of compliments makes a person happy.
I am living proof.
No salad, no fitness level, no diet, no weight, or any other form of health makes you happy either.
I am fit and healthy. And yet I still, yes rarely, am unhappy.
Right now, I am crying. I am sitting in my room at my dads, crying.
Why the fuck am I you ask?
That’s the whole point. I physically have nothing to be upset about.
I recently have been seeing someone (lol secretly hoping he doesn’t read this)
And yes, he is charming, good looking, affectionate, kind, considerate, loving, peaceful, enthusiastic, fit, reliable, ambitious, confident. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM.
And yet, after spending the whole night and next day with him, driving home I felt nothing. I came home, bad mood, had a shower, felt nothing.
I then accidentally left the hot on, burnt my thighs severely and fell to the floor after diving for the cold handle. I sat on the floor of the tub and cried.
Is there really a rational explanation to my feelings???
Before you start judging me. “Oh essena is dating an amazing guy, everything going great for her, yet she is unhappy”
I already did that. I judged myself for the hour I cried. I judged myself for being so emotional, so irrational, so ungrateful, so fucking insane.
I talked to my sister, my friends. They who just offered “you’ll get through it”
Then I called my mum. Ten times. She was busy, as I’m at my dads. But called back some time after.
I honestly have no idea how you guys get through any problem. Yes looking at it positively makes a difference, surrounding yourself with positive people and things you love also helps… But sometimes, you need spiritual and energetic guidance.
Why have I hardly talked about what my mum does? What I actually live off?
Because I am still scared of judgements. And no, not until you have 200,000+ followers on tumblr who question and give you hate on EVERY SINGLE ASK, you do not understand.
(Of course these people are a minority, the vast majority of my followers, the ones who are reading this right now, yes you, are amazing. I truly love you. You are the reason I’m posting this.)
Back to the point. How we sort through “issues” is by testing using “kinesiology” muscle testing off a set of charts, and then with the guidance of your own personal thoughts and “made up stories”
In simple terms: you work out why you are upset. Detect exactly how you feel, why you feel that way, what you want to feel, action to move forward. Very simple and logical really. And yet this spiritual practice is so negatively portrayed through mass media. Well not for long, I’m about to get very original.
Here is what I did with mum this afternoon.
1) I was feeling heartbroken because the relationship wasn’t “automatically” love
-I was expecting and not accepting the situation. My emotion was to accept and action open up.
2) I wasn’t telling or even hinting to him my intentions (I want a serious, crazy, obsessive relationship, I want pure and insane love)
-I had to admit I was hiding my intentions, work out what I could do to make him aware. Cough cough instagram post with love quote. I also reminded myself to be confident, honest and open in any future conversations with him
3) I got triggered when he kept saying things like “but you have to be careful about what others think of you” this was in reference to both our age gap and personal spiritual views.
-I have to focus the trigger back onto me (see it in him, because it is in me.. I wouldn’t be triggered if I didn’t have the problem within myself)
-so here it is, I am STILL scared of what my followers will think of me when I truly open myself up, insanity and all.
So there you go, a little insight towards what’s coming next from me in posts and videos.
From altering my thoughts and perceptions of my current situation, my body automatically calms down.
My point of this post: HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU LIVING WITHOUT THIS METHOD OF SELF HELP?
I am insane. We all are. I want to promote the idea that we are our thoughts, our perception of a current and past situation determines every detail of our future.
It is not someone else’s fault for your pain. Love yourself in these moments of weakness. Put a hand on your heart and accept your insanity.
1) what am I feeling (emotion)
2) why am I feeling it (situation)
3) what do I want to feel (emotion)
4) what is my action to takeMy overall actions were to take my obsessiveness off him and towards health. But most importantly stop judging myself… I am opening up.
X
PS I NOW FEEL SOOOOOOO MUCH BETTER.
Essena O'Neill Archive 